THE BIG THREE - O!!!

I turned thirty last month and so far it really hasn't been too traumatizing. I still kind of just feel like I'm 29. I didn't wake up with tons of wrinkles or any more gray hairs than I already have, which is a lot by the way. Yeah, I found my first one when I was 19...what's that all about?



I'm not one of those people who really worried about turning thirty. I don't consider it to be old. Other things make me feel old though. Like being called ma'am or realizing that my young women have no idea what I'm talking about sometimes because it happened way before they were even born. Or, and this one is my favorite, when my husband tells me I can now officially be considered a cougar. Um, no, I don't think so. So I looked up the definition of a cougar (yes, I am that lame) and it's generally thought to be a woman over 40 thank you very much! Sadly I think he thought he was paying me a compliment, like he was calling me sexy or something. Men & women think so differently sometimes. =)



Anyway, since my birthday falls so closely to the beginning of the year it always brings about a lot of self reflection. Along with new year's resolutions are thoughts on how I've lived my life up to this point. Since thirty is like a milestone birthday I really got caught up in who I am and who I want to be. They are definitely not the same person. My mind has been consumed with this over the past month. I have so much running through my head that I haven't really even been able to coherently gather my thoughts to make any sense. All I have really figured out so far is that I'm not happy with myself...at all. I don't like who I am and I want so much more in my life. I want to be better for my husband, for my children and for me. I want to like myself. I don't want to be that "down in the dumps" girl with bad self esteem. Aren't we supposed to leave self loathing behind in our teenage years along with acne? Well I still get zits too so there goes that theory!




I need to make a change. Did anyone else just start singing Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" in their head? Anyone? No, just me, well okay then. Moving on...this past Sunday, our Sacrament program had a quote printed on the front of it that I'm pretty sure was intended especially for me. Don't you just love when that happens? It's by Joseph B. Wirthlin and reads as follows: "I urge you to examine your life. Determine where you are and what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be." Wow! How I took it was "stop sitting around being unhappy with yourself and do something about it Hollie! You are not where you want to be. You are not who you want to be. So what are you going to do about it?".




I'm not real sure where to get started, but I know I have a lot of work to do. I'm actually really excited about it. I'm excited to change what I don't like about myself. I'm excited to actually like myself at all and be happy with my accomplishments in life.





So this is me, thirty years old and feeling about as low as ever...but not for long!



It took everything I had to post this picture. I hate having my picture taken. I never like how I look. I have picked every aspect of this picture apart until there was nothing left. I have a big nose, a small mouth, gray wiry hairs sticking straight up, uneven sized eyes, my eyebrows sure could use a plucking, a big forehead, wrinkles on my forehead, uneven skin tone, blah blah blah. Anyway, taking this picture actually serves a purpose. As I said, I hate having my picture taken and avoid being in them at all costs. I much prefer being the one taking the pictures, especially of my family. Well I was once told by a very wise woman (my mother) that someday I would regret this. She said that she was the same way and now when she reminisces and looks back at old photos she's sad that she's not in more of them. She wishes there were more pictures of her with our family doing all of the fun things we did.


Step one is to be more carefree (I have lots of control issues). I'm going to stop hiding from the camera. I will allow and try to enjoy having my picture taken. They won't all be good, but that's okay. That's why I posted this particular picture. It's one of the most unflattering that I took (I usually like my hair to somewhat cover my face), but it's real, and if I can post it up here for all to see then I'm well on my way. At least that's my thought process. =) I know this may sound silly and insignificant, but I'm taking baby steps here people, baby steps. And this is just one of the many steps on my path to self discovery. Someday I will think I'm beautiful, both inside and out...I hope!


Funny side note: see the mole, or beauty mark as I like to call it, on my cheek? Well Urban does not like it. Whenever he notices it he gets right up in my face and tells me there's something on me and tries to scrape it off with his fingernails. It kind of hurts but it makes me laugh every time.