Friday, February 5, 2010

THE BIG THREE - O!!!

I turned thirty last month and so far it really hasn't been too traumatizing. I still kind of just feel like I'm 29. I didn't wake up with tons of wrinkles or any more gray hairs than I already have, which is a lot by the way. Yeah, I found my first one when I was 19...what's that all about?



I'm not one of those people who really worried about turning thirty. I don't consider it to be old. Other things make me feel old though. Like being called ma'am or realizing that my young women have no idea what I'm talking about sometimes because it happened way before they were even born. Or, and this one is my favorite, when my husband tells me I can now officially be considered a cougar. Um, no, I don't think so. So I looked up the definition of a cougar (yes, I am that lame) and it's generally thought to be a woman over 40 thank you very much! Sadly I think he thought he was paying me a compliment, like he was calling me sexy or something. Men & women think so differently sometimes. =)



Anyway, since my birthday falls so closely to the beginning of the year it always brings about a lot of self reflection. Along with new year's resolutions are thoughts on how I've lived my life up to this point. Since thirty is like a milestone birthday I really got caught up in who I am and who I want to be. They are definitely not the same person. My mind has been consumed with this over the past month. I have so much running through my head that I haven't really even been able to coherently gather my thoughts to make any sense. All I have really figured out so far is that I'm not happy with myself...at all. I don't like who I am and I want so much more in my life. I want to be better for my husband, for my children and for me. I want to like myself. I don't want to be that "down in the dumps" girl with bad self esteem. Aren't we supposed to leave self loathing behind in our teenage years along with acne? Well I still get zits too so there goes that theory!




I need to make a change. Did anyone else just start singing Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" in their head? Anyone? No, just me, well okay then. Moving on...this past Sunday, our Sacrament program had a quote printed on the front of it that I'm pretty sure was intended especially for me. Don't you just love when that happens? It's by Joseph B. Wirthlin and reads as follows: "I urge you to examine your life. Determine where you are and what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be." Wow! How I took it was "stop sitting around being unhappy with yourself and do something about it Hollie! You are not where you want to be. You are not who you want to be. So what are you going to do about it?".




I'm not real sure where to get started, but I know I have a lot of work to do. I'm actually really excited about it. I'm excited to change what I don't like about myself. I'm excited to actually like myself at all and be happy with my accomplishments in life.





So this is me, thirty years old and feeling about as low as ever...but not for long!



It took everything I had to post this picture. I hate having my picture taken. I never like how I look. I have picked every aspect of this picture apart until there was nothing left. I have a big nose, a small mouth, gray wiry hairs sticking straight up, uneven sized eyes, my eyebrows sure could use a plucking, a big forehead, wrinkles on my forehead, uneven skin tone, blah blah blah. Anyway, taking this picture actually serves a purpose. As I said, I hate having my picture taken and avoid being in them at all costs. I much prefer being the one taking the pictures, especially of my family. Well I was once told by a very wise woman (my mother) that someday I would regret this. She said that she was the same way and now when she reminisces and looks back at old photos she's sad that she's not in more of them. She wishes there were more pictures of her with our family doing all of the fun things we did.


Step one is to be more carefree (I have lots of control issues). I'm going to stop hiding from the camera. I will allow and try to enjoy having my picture taken. They won't all be good, but that's okay. That's why I posted this particular picture. It's one of the most unflattering that I took (I usually like my hair to somewhat cover my face), but it's real, and if I can post it up here for all to see then I'm well on my way. At least that's my thought process. =) I know this may sound silly and insignificant, but I'm taking baby steps here people, baby steps. And this is just one of the many steps on my path to self discovery. Someday I will think I'm beautiful, both inside and out...I hope!


Funny side note: see the mole, or beauty mark as I like to call it, on my cheek? Well Urban does not like it. Whenever he notices it he gets right up in my face and tells me there's something on me and tries to scrape it off with his fingernails. It kind of hurts but it makes me laugh every time.

9 comments:

Heather said...

I actually did start singing that jackson song, still am. I am the man in the mirror. I'm starting with the man in the mirror, uh huh, i'm asking him to change his ways, and no message could have been any clearer, if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change, ooh, ooh, na na naaa na na naaa na naa na naa!

Okay, I got that out of my system! Phew!

Great post by the way. I wish sometimes you could see yourself as others see you. We see you as a beautiful girl, both inside and very much out too!

Anonymous said...

Hollie this is why I love you so much - you have no idea how wonderful you are and how beautiful you are...that pic that Heather took of you being pregenant was the most beautiful photo ever...I showed it to everyone and said "Is that not the most beautiful woman ever" and of course they all agreed (well you and I know they did not have a choice...but that's beside the point)...you just keep doing what you are doing and one day - soon - you will see yourself as we all see you...we love you so much and I could have never found someone better for my baby then you...love Dianna (i love the way you write...please pursue that)

April said...

I am writing a post about this on my blog...

love you Hollie.

Julander Family said...

Just for the record, I think you are beautiful inside and out! I do believe you are one of my favorite people! And I diddo your mom in law on the writing think. You have a way with words. I love it! I love your sense of humor. You crack me up! Of course I crack myself up too so you know, we go great together! Thanks for being my friend. I love everything I know about you and can't wait to get to know you even better!

Christy Wheeler said...

When i saw that picture of you I thought, "There is Hollie!" I didn't notice any of the things you did! I just saw Hollie. You should be in more pictures, and you should post them because we love to see them!

RC said...

When I look at that picture I see;

natural beauty, I see eyes wide open taking life in, with a vast thirst for knowledge, I see windows into a sweet, loving, generous, and kind soul, eyes that always see the beauty in others, I see a nose that links you to your ansestors, that gives you a connection to your past and part of who you are, I see a mouth that speaks eloquently, that has a great command of the english language, that reads for hours to your children, that gives gentle, sweet kisses to boo-boo's, and at night time, while wishing sweet dreams to your little ones, lips that always seem to find the right thing to say and that speak kindness to others at just the perfect needed moment, I see checks that are perfect for kissing, and that get an easy blush across them when you're embarrassed, that scrunch adorably when you smile and laugh, I see a beautiful and strong young woman, a wonderful and loving mother, a caring wife, A great sister, grand daughter, cousin, neice, aunt, friend, I see my daughter, my baby girl, who is humble, and has no idea how amazing she is, now why didn't you say how BIG your heart is, you are so pure and genuine. Most of all though when I look at this picture of you, I just see perfection, because I think you are perfect just the way you are, just being Hollie.


I love that you are finally on a journey to look in the mirror and see the beauty and good that the rest of the world see's.

I love you more than I can express, more than you can even imagine, I love your beauty inside and out.

Jennifer Richins said...

Way to go Hollie! I admire your courage and strength to even start this process. So many of us realize that we're not where we want to be, but get so overwhelmed by what it takes to change that we sit here and do nothing about it. I hope you continue on this journey of self-discovery...and realize that it never ends. That's not to discourage you. But the gospel teaches us that we should be forever progressing...becoming better, and closer to perfection every day. I love you, sweetie. Keep us posted on your progress...it will help to motivate all of us.

THE JACKSONS said...

WOW! You are an incredible writer! You have an amazing talent at expressing just what you are feeling. Would it surprise you to know that you are not alone in your feelings? No doubt many women, including myself, have felt and do feel the same way about themselves. I too want it on the record that you are a beautiful, thoughtful and kind woman. When we first started chatting through facebook and our blogs, I was touched by your kind words and encouragement. When we met in person for the first time, I thought you were beautiful. Beautiful skin, beautiful features, beautiful hair, and most important you were just as nice in person as you are through the internet!!!!! While it's important to recognize the things we need to improve to be closer to the Savior, we also need to remember all that is truly good about us. Sometimes that's difficult to do! You are awesome Hollie and an inspiration! I know that I keep saying this, but lets get together soon!

Lindsay said...

From what I know of you Hollie, you are such a great person! You seem to be such a good little Mom and wife. You must be doing something right, because I think little Addison is the sweetest thing and so well behaved in primary. I too get down on myself a lot, especially when it comes to being a mom. Such an incredible responsibility.. and I only have one- So I can only imagine how my patience will be tested with more! Happy late birthday! I think you look way pretty in that picture... I wish my "bad" picture looked like that!