SCARS!
The other day while I was cooking dinner I opened the oven door to pull a pan out. Once the pan was halfway out I heard a ruckus behind me and could tell that Urban and Bruno were running right towards the open oven. (They have issues, I am always yelling at them to get away from the hot oven. They never learn.) So I turned my body to shield them so they would not get burned and in the process I ended up burning my arm on the hot pan I was holding. It's a pretty good burn. It runs about four inches on the inside crease of my elbow. But thankfully they were both okay. When I showed Jared he said "man, I bet you'll think twice before doing that again!" (totally joking obviously). Because of course I would do it again in a heartbeat. I would take a burn or a bullet or whatever necessary in order to prevent one of my children or anyone else I love from getting hurt.
So this got me thinking. This may or may not leave a permanent scar, but for whatever duration of time it is visible it will be a reminder of what happened. I have a lot of scars, both physical and emotional, and they all serve as some sort of reminder of either a significant time in my life or a lesson I've learned. This particular scar will remind me of my love for my children and a mother's instincts to protect her children at any cost. I know, sounds a bit dramatic. I am aware that I didn't rescue him from a burning building or anything, but you get the gist.
Anyway, I've been having a really hard time lately with life in general. But I've finally come to the conclusion (after months of misery) that I've already been through a lot in my life and there will be a lot yet to come. What I'm going through now will definitely leave some emotional scarring but I'll just add it to the rest of them as one more life lesson learned and get on with the next chapter.
Here's some lessons I've learned from my scars...
Lots of scars on my knees from when I was a little girl...
Brings back many memories of playing with siblings and cousins in our backyards, learning how to ride a bike and skidding down an asphalt hill (on my knees) at the San Diego Wild Animal Park.
Lesson learned: You can get dirty, play rough and keep up with the boys and still be a girly girl!
2 beautiful scars on my tummy from c-sections...
Permanent reminders of two of the happiest memories I'll ever have. The uncomplicated births of my amazing and perfectly healthy daughter & son which some doctors told me would not be possible.
Lesson learned: Never give up and always have faith.
Other scars on tummy...
Reminders of a difficult time as a young, scared and confused teenager facing many tests & surgeries and feeling like the biggest freak on the planet.
Lesson learned: I am one tough cookie!!! And with the love & support of my family I can get through pretty much anything.
Knife scar on back...
Dumb reminder of jumping on a counter top to reach something on a high shelf and having a knife go into my back while jumping down.
Lesson learned: It's o.k. to ask for help sometimes. (I still have trouble with this one. I HATE when I can't do something on my own!)
Tiny scar on shoulder...
Reminder of a time when Jared & I were...well let's just say the bed broke. After all, this is a family blog.
Lesson learned: My husband and I are madly in love with each other! ;-) Also, perhaps we need a stronger bed and/or losing a few pounds couldn't hurt.
Irreparable scar on my heart from when my Grandpa Martin died...
I am so sad that my children will not have the opportunity to know this wonderful man in this lifetime but I am so grateful for the many memories I have of him. He taught me so much. He truly was the perfect grandpa.
Lesson learned: I am so truly blessed to have had the privilege of being his granddaughter and having him in my life for 23 years and having his memories forever.
The hardship I am having right now is not quite a scar yet. It is currently a gaping hole in my heart that I am just praying will close soon. We are losing our house in Arizona. I know that in the whole scheme of things this is not that big of a deal, but it is killing me inside. Of course I feel extremely blessed that we are all healthy and that Jared has a job but those are things that are out of my control. I am so sick of people telling me that lots of people are going through this right now and that it's just a house. My heart goes out to everyone else in this situation, but that doesn't make it any easier. To me it is not just a house. It's everything a house represents...security, safety, love, peace of mind, etc. and I am losing that. To me, losing this house equals a BIG FAT FAILURE! Anybody who knows me knows that I am extremely hard on myself. It's something I'm trying to change, but I'm just not quite sure how. My entire life I've never been great at anything, but one thing about me is that I don't fail. HOLLIE DOES NOT FAIL! Now this isn't because I'm perfect by any means but because unfortunately if I even think that I won't be good at something I won't even try because I don't want to risk failing. And once I do get involved in something I work my butt off to make sure that I accomplish it. Well, guess what? I FAILED! Losing our house is a huge failure in my mind. Now for the good news!
Lesson learned: As already stated, with the love and support of my family and the gospel, I can get through anything and this too will pass. But even better than that, I've gained a new outlook on life. With one failure under my belt what's a few more? So I've decided that I'm going to stop being such a chicken and I'm going to start living. I'm going to try things that have always sounded like fun but I've been too scared to try because I thought I might fail. I want to find something I really enjoy doing even if I'm terrible at it. I promise to keep you all posted on my progress.
Now, the purpose of this post was not to have a pity party and certainly not so everyone could leave me comments on how I'm not a failure (seriously, I don't want to hear those. Although I know Heather will have some funny comment on how she knew I was a loser the minute she laid eyes on me, just to make me laugh). In reality I just needed to get some of this out of my head so I could get past it. Also, I wanted some help from all of you. I want to hear things that you all enjoy doing. They can be things you've done forever, something you just discovered, things you tried and you're great at, things you tried and you're bad at or things you thought you would absolutely hate but ended up falling in love with. Whatever it is I just want to hear about it. Thanks for your help.
So, anyone up for skydiving with me??? =)
10 comments:
Hey Hollie,
It's me again. I hope you don't mind me butting my nose in here!? I loved your post. So how much are you paying to have a sky diving buddy? LOL! Yeah the older I get the more I value my life....go figure! I think you have a great attitude about adversity and challenges in life.... I believe that people only fail when they quit trying. Life is going to be full of challenges some big some small, and attitude has everything to do with how we make it through. I am so grateful for challenges because they make me stronger and help my testimony of the Savior, of His gospel and all that comes from Him that much stronger!
I have been teaching my son Ian that chicks dig scars... he has quite a few physical ones from his recent challenges. No doubt he has quite a few emotional ones too...lol! Scars are great reminders, especially when they aren't self inflicted or in other words intentional!
If it's alright with you I want to add your blog to my list. Please let me know if that's ok! Talk to you later. Leah
Oh by the way I love to try all kinds of new things...anything from sports to crafty stuff. I am trying to get a group of girls together to have a scrapbook night without kids. Somehow I am more inspired when I work with others. Do you scrapbook?
You know what I have always enjoyed doing, and you might too...every time you get a new cat call him or her Tiger. Even if they look like a Tiger, it's great fun.
Okay that was completely random. What I really enjoy most is traeling. I love getting on the open road and going some where new. Wether it be a short day trip, or a long cross country journey it's always a ton of fun. So one of these days you and you family should just hit the road for a day of adventures. Thats just my 2 cents :)
This was a great blog :) And as for my 2 cents, I'm just a crafty person who likes to scrapbook and create things in PhotoShop. Going through pictures and creating pages is what I use to remember. :)
Thanks for your post Hollie. It is reminder that we do carry scars around, whether we can see them physically or not. and each one of them tells of a story and of growth and that they also HEAL (which is the important part).
We miss you guys living next door and are so sorry to know that you won't come back. We wish you much luck with whatever happens. and yes, while a lot of people are "going through" this or that...it doesn't make it any easier when WE are going through it does it?
On a funnier note...you broke the bed? Well, get a sturdier bed, its probably easier (and faster) than losing a few pounds- LOL
HOLLIE, I KNOW THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR, BUT TO DANG BAD, I'M YOUR DAD SO I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT. THERE IS NO NEED FOR ME TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE, BECAUSE THAT GOES WITHOUT SAYING. "YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE".
I BRING THAT UP BECAUSE ....
I KNOW ALL TO WELL, HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT THESE THINGS AND HOW MUCH STRESS YOU FEEL OVER THEM, AND MOST OF ALL HOW MUCH YOU TAKE ALL THE BLAME ON YOUR SELF AND BEAT YOUR SELF UP AND FEEL LIKE A FAILURE, BECAUSE THAT YOU GET FROM ME. SO WHILE I KNOW IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO KNOW OR SAY "I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL" I AM PROBABLY THE ONE PERSON WHO REALLY CAN UNDERSTAND NOT ONLY YOUR FEELINGS BUT THE WAY YOU DEAL WITH THEM. BUT YOU ARE ALREADY BETTER AT IT THEN YOU THINK, BECAUSE YOU CAN OPENLY TALK ABOUT IT, GOOD FOR YOU THAT TAKES BALLS, I ADMIRE THAT ABOUT YOU, I JUST HOLD IT IN AND FEEL GUILT AND SHAME TO TALK ABOUT THINGS, WHICH ONLY MAKES IT WORSE, SO GOOD FOR YOU, SEE YOU CAN TEACH YOUR OLD MAN A THING OR TWO. THAT AND YOU FIND YOUR TESTIMONY AND TURN MORE TO YOUR FAITH, I TEND TO DO THE OPPOSITE, THAT MAKES YOU AN EXAMPLE TO ME.
SO NOW FOR HELP ON WHAT I ENJOY DOING. BEING A DAD, A HUSBAND, A GRANDFATHER. BEING WITH MY FAMILY IS THE THING I ENJOY MOST IN LIFE, I DON'T CARE WHAT WE DO, AS LONG AS WE DO IT TOGETHER. I WILL HAVE TO PASS ON THE SKY DIVING THOUGH BECAUSE I AM AFRAID OF HEIGHTS, I DON'T REALLY ENJOY BEING IN AN AIRPLANE, LET ALONE JUMPING OUT OF A PERFECTLY GOOD ONE. HOW ABOUT SCUBA DIVING???
I LOVE YOU, I JUST WISH YOU COULD SEE YOUR SELF THROUGH MY EYES, OR EVEN AS OTHERS SEE YOU, BECAUSE YOU ARE A PRETTY GROOVY GIRL.
LOVE,
DAD
Wow, what a perfectly raw and honest post. You had me crying and laughing right along with you.
First, how is your burn? Man I bet that hurts, so sorry to hear about that. Exactly what is it about little kids (and puppies)that attracts them to an open door on a hot oven, while your back is to them.
So, I'm thinking you don't give your self enough credit. Sounds to me like you certainly excel at..
ummm, well, let's just say
YOU BROKE YOUR BED!!!!!!!
I have to agree with you, sometimes it just help's to get your thoughts out, to vent. In some weird way it seems to help so you are able to process them so you can start to work through them, almost as if by just doing that, your feelings are justified, legitimate.
BUT,
(and that but like mine is a BIG one),
as I have discovered you just need to get it out, you feel as though you are going to self combust or go nuts. (I honestly think this stems from the whole "control" issues) it is the only way to feel as though we have any control over what is happening to us in our life. So the healing is more in the letting it out, not in the need for feed back. Because often times with the state of mind one is in during rough times, no matter what or how someone says something, all that is heard or felt is, a form of judgement, or hidden accusations, or patronizing tones, or their inability to really understand how you feel. Because seriously, how could they, these are your feelings, and the way you react to them and deal with them. Even though MOST people honestly mean well, and are trying to be helpful, and show concern.
We aren't really looking for help though, or expecting anyone to "FIX" it for us, we aren't looking for a fairy tale ending or a miracle, because we have our pride, and we are independent, (that's a nice word for stuburn) it's our mess so we need to clean it up. Honestly I believe all we are looking for is just to feel free from the guilt and blame we place on our self. We want to be justified in our concerns, our disappointment, our fears, our pain and sorrow, and at times even our indignation.
I guess in short (even though I made it long) all we are really looking for is to feel validated that yes, what is happening is really crappy, and it sucks, and it's not fair.
Now, once we get that out of our system, then how we deal with it, and what we take away from it, and how we move on from it, is all up to us.
I love you, and I am so proud of you. Just for the record, I think instead of calling them "scars" they are more like badges of courage.
Love ya,
Mom
P.S.
Ooops, I forgot to comment about this.
I'm thinking what if you take up piano again or maybe even guitar, I've seen you rock at guitar hero, and you have always had a love for music. Or take an art class. Even if you suck at it, you can always claim it's abstract, hey it worked for picasso.
As for sky diving, I'm in, except I'm pretty sure that cost money that unfortunately we don't have right now, so I think that one will have to go on our bucket list for now.
I'll have to keep thinking.
I have NO IDEA how I missed this post. I should have been the first to comment. I have failed.
Now I didn't think you were a loser the MINUTE I laid eyes on you, I think it took some getting to know you before I came to that realization. (ba ding ding!)
I think while we are re-decorating your house we should put up a plaque that reads "you are not a failure!" that way you can read it a few times a day. Because you are NOT a failure. Geez!!!! What is wrong with you!!!????
Okay, now for serious Heather...........................................................................................................it's hard for me not to be funny. That's what I do. I am full of one-liners. I like to make people laugh, I've learned to be the mediator, I like to try to cheer people up. That's what I do. It's because that is what I've done to cope with my insecurities of failure. Sometimes I feel so down about myself that I have to cheer myself up, with lame attempts at humor. Luckily, I think I'm pretty funny. Maybe you should try your hand at stand up comedy!
Oh-ya, since you asked us to tell you what we like to do, and since we all know I love to talk about myself, here goes.
I like photography. I LOVE learning new things with it. I love digitally designing things. It's such a high to finally figure something out. It makes me feel like a genius, and let's face it, I'll take that feeling however I can get it!
I will go sky diving with you. I have always wanted to, but I married a man that is EXACTLY like my father. He is afraid of heights.
I have NO IDEA how I missed this post. I should have been the first to comment. I have failed.
Now I didn't think you were a loser the MINUTE I laid eyes on you, I think it took some getting to know you before I came to that realization. (ba ding ding!)
I think while we are re-decorating your house we should put up a plaque that reads "you are not a failure!" that way you can read it a few times a day. Because you are NOT a failure. Geez!!!! What is wrong with you!!!????
Okay, now for serious Heather...........................................................................................................it's hard for me not to be funny. That's what I do. I am full of one-liners. I like to make people laugh, I've learned to be the mediator, I like to try to cheer people up. That's what I do. It's because that is what I've done to cope with my insecurities of failure. Sometimes I feel so down about myself that I have to cheer myself up, with lame attempts at humor. Luckily, I think I'm pretty funny. Maybe you should try your hand at stand up comedy!
Oh-ya, since you asked us to tell you what we like to do, and since we all know I love to talk about myself, here goes.
I like photography. I LOVE learning new things with it. I love digitally designing things. It's such a high to finally figure something out. It makes me feel like a genius, and let's face it, I'll take that feeling however I can get it!
I will go sky diving with you. I have always wanted to, but I married a man that is EXACTLY like my father. He is afraid of heights.
It's so nice, I HAVE to say it twice!
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